So today is day 5 of my blog tour and it was supposed to be on Katy Regan's site, but poor Katy had technical problems and so couldn't host. The good news is that it gives me the chance to write a fresh new blog, and Katy and I will reschedule her blog for another day. So without further ado, let's get cracking.
This Family Life has been out now for 12 days and the response so far has been absolutely brilliant. I've had some top notch reviews ('The perfect summer read' Utterly brilliant' 'I defy you not to read it all in one go' 'Best 99p ever spent') and some very kind words via Twitter and Facebook. I really enjoyed writing this book and I'm very proud of how it turned out, but to get such positive heart warming feedback makes it all worthwhile. So thank you.
In the absence of an actual blog, I thought it would be a good chance to pop in one of my favourite diary entries from the book. This is the entry when Harry and his wife go to the gym for the first time and I think it's probably something a lot of us can relate to.
Saturday 12 January 8.45 a.m.
The day I
die is finally here. It’s orientation at the gym. Emily’s parents are coming
over at nine to watch William. I just said my goodbyes. I told William I loved
him but he just looked at me blankly. He didn’t know it was the last time he
was going to see me alive.
The only
good thing about going to the gym is that Emily let me eat some proper food.
She made bacon, eggs, beans, and toast. All low fat, grilled and poached, but
because we’re going to have our first session with the personal trainer (PT),
she said we had to eat enough to sustain us. I think I ate enough to sustain us
both.
2.00 p.m.
Alive
(just). On the sofa. Unable to move.
Any
misapprehension I may have had that it wasn’t going to be the worst hour of my
life was quickly discarded when I met my PT, Tyler. Tyler was tall, blond, and
had the body of an East German swimmer. He was wearing a pair of Lycra shorts
and a tight vest which showed off every single one of his packs. I always
thought six was the pack limit, but I’m sure he had at least eight.
After a
brief orientation, Emily and I were strategically separated and she went off
with a man-mountain called Rocky. I laughed because I thought he was joking,
but as I soon learnt, people don’t joke at the gym.
‘What are
your workout goals?’ said Tyler.
‘I want to
look half-decent naked,’ I said.
Tyler tried
not to laugh and then spent about a minute looking me up and down. I literally
felt like a piece of meat. A fatty, flabby piece of rotten meat.
‘It’s going
to take a lot of work, Harry. Are you up for it?’
‘I think
so.’
‘Then leave
now,’ he said pointing to the door. ‘Get out!’ I was about to call his bluff
and leave, but unfortunately he beat me to it. ‘I’ll ask you again. Are you up
for it?’
I knew what
he wanted me to say and so I said it.
‘I’m
ready!’ I half-yelled.
‘I can’t
hear you, Harry. Are you ready?’
‘I’m ready!’
I said a bit louder.
‘I still
can’t hear you. I said, are you ready?’
‘I’m
ready!’ I shouted.
I thought
about beating my chest, but it seemed a bit over the top, even for the gym.
‘Top man,
yeah,’ said Tyler and he offered me his knuckles to bump. I bumped them. For
shame. ‘Right then, let’s get down to it.’
And those
were the last words I heard before the ringing started in my ears; the sweat,
the pain, the aching and the humiliation. Tyler ground me down until I was a
sweaty, floppy, mess lying on the floor like a wet, limp turd. Then it was time
for my rub down (this wasn’t mentioned at any point by anyone - the secret rub
down). Tyler helped me onto a bench and told me to lie flat on my back with my
knees bent. The next minute he was stretching my legs to an almost physically
impossible angle, but as I was already in so much pain and to be honest, only
partially conscious, I didn’t feel a thing.
‘See you on
Tuesday,’ said Tyler helping me off the table.
‘Tuesday?’
‘You’re
booked in for another hour on Tuesday night. Top man,’ he said. ‘High-five?’
‘Sure, why
not.’ I’d already embarrassed myself enough, a high-five to add to the list
wasn’t going to hurt, but before I was about to high-five he stopped me.
‘Forget the
high-five, yeah, you’re a top man. Big-tens for an awesome workout!’ he said
and then we did it. We performed a big-ten. My humiliation was complete.
I stumbled
towards the exit and that’s when I saw Emily and Rocky. She was flat on her
back and Rocky had her left leg pushed all the way back towards her head with
his head basically in her vagina.
‘Stretch it
out,’ Rocky said while Emily moaned and groaned, not unlike the noises she
makes in the bedroom. ‘Hold it, hold it,’ said Rocky.
‘Ohhhhhhh
Rocky!’ Emily squealed.
Outside
Emily asked how it was.
‘Awful.’
‘Rocky said
I have the body of a twenty year old.’
‘Tyler’s
trying to kill me,’ I said and Emily laughed.
Like I
said, the gym isn’t the place for jokes and I wasn’t joking. Tyler is
definitely trying to kill me and the worst part is that I’m paying him to do
it.
The blog tour will be back on Monday with lovely, bestselling author Anna Bell, so until next time.
Hugs,
Jon X
