A bit about why I wrote This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary

Hello Blogites,

There are lots of books out there about love, life and growing up. I know that what I’m writing isn’t a new story, and it isn’t likely to win any major awards or go down as a great British novel (here’s to hoping that it does though, eh). It’s a light-hearted comedy. It’s a Romantic comedy. If it was an actor it would be Hugh Grant. If it was an ice-cream it would be vanilla. If it was a band it would be Travis. However, therein lies the reason why I wrote it in the first place. I love Travis. Vanilla is my favourite flavour of ice-cream and I happen to think that Hugh Grant is actually quite good. He’s no Al Pacino or Leonardo Di Caprio, but he isn’t trying to be. He knows what he’s good at and does it probably better than anyone else. Travis make middle of the road pop songs, but probably as good as anyone else out there and yes, vanilla ice-cream has a tough time competing against the myriad of new flavours, but still it’s vanilla, it’s delicious and fills a niche than no other flavour can fill.

What the fuck am I going on about? Good question. The point I’m trying to make is that I wanted to write a comedy about the mundane, the ordinary, the seemingly trivial, but make it real and laugh-out-loud funny. I’ve read just about every book in the same genre, written by men, and yes some are great (Hornby, Parsons, Gayle to name a few), and some are not so good (no names). During my research I came to the conclusion that men are perceived to be either A. Arrogant womanising bastards or B. Soppy, lonely idiots in need of a good kick up the arse. Of course, this doesn’t cover the full spectrum of manliness, but it seems to when it comes to literature. I hope my protagonist Harry Spencer is something a little bit different. He’s everyman and I think also quite uniquely him, although I’ll let you judge that for yourself.

Blog soon x

About...my need for plans

Hello Blogites,

I hope you're all enjoying my novel. If you haven't purchased it yet, you can go to Amazon, search for me (Jon Rance) and buy my book. For the price of a cup of coffee, a pint of beer, or box of fancy cereal, you could get your hands on a novel written by me!

Anyway, enough shameless plugging of my novel, this blog is about my obsession...making plans and to be more specific, five-year-plans.

I don't know when it started exactly, but my first memory of making a To-Do list was around my mid-teens. I'm not sure how it evolved, whether it was a daily To-Do list that just got out of hand, but it evolved to become my first five-year-plan. The first of many.

So, what exactly is a five-year-plan and why am I obsessed by them. Well, a five-year-plan is exactly what it says on the tin. It's a plan that needs to be completed in five years. The important thing about a five-year-plan, as opposed to say a ten-year-plan, a two week plan or indeed a single day plan, is that five years is the perfect amount of time to do something amazing, life-changing, but it's also short enough so you can keep the plan in mind and make sure it gets done.A ten year plan for example is too long, while a year just isn't long enough. Five years is the Goldilocks of plans.

So, what was my first five-year-plan? Bearing in mind that I was around fifteen when I first conceived this, I think it's pretty solid.

1. Get good GCSE results and go to sixth-form college.
2. Get good A-Level results and go to University.
3. Get a degree.
4. Live in London.
5. Travel the world for a year.

OK, admittedly this is all basic stuff, but still, I was a sulky teenager with a plan and you know what, I achieved everything on that list.

I remember one specific moment when I realised it. I was on a tiny boat heading out towards a small island in Fiji. It was glorious, one of those moments you remember forever. It was hot, I was in shorts, a t-shirt, on my own on a small boat in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by paradise and heading towards two weeks on a desert island. The mainland was disappearing off into the distance, soon to become a speck and there on that boat, it suddenly came to me. I had achieved my five-year-plan. OK, technically it had taken a smidgen longer than five years to complete, but still, I had done it and without a list, I don't think I would have felt quite the same sense of achievement.

Since my first and inaugural five-year-plan, I've had a few more and most goals have been accomplished, while one was quite literally shelved when I met Kristin in Australia and suddenly my five-year-plan completely changed. At the moment, I'm at the beginning of a new five-year-plan. I would tell you my goals, but it's against five-year-plan rules. The first rule of five-year-plans? Don't talk about the five-year-plan!

The important thing though (for me at least) is that I have a plan. I can't imagine going through life without a plan. I need goals, something to achieve, otherwise I'm just aimlessly bumbling along, hoping that something good happens to me. Maybe I'm a bit crazy, but it works. It makes me believe that I'm in control of my own destiny. Call it free-will (even though free-will as a concept doesn't actually exist), but it lets me at least imagine a future, think about what kind of person I am and want to become. It may just be a To-Do list, written down on a piece of paper, but to me it's more than that and I think that as long as I live, I'll always have a five-year-plan.


Blog soon

It's finally here!

Hello Blogites,

Pushed forward by a few days after the good people at Amazon were so swift in their work (cheers), my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary is finally on sale! It's terribly exciting, but also very tense and nervous because what if no-one likes it, thinks it's complete rubbish, thinks I'm weird, thinks the story is dull, not funny, and so many other things that keep me awake during the early hours of the morning. I am a worrier by nature and this has my nerves all over it.

However, I'm also terribly excited for everyone to read it. Even though I've written two other novels, they were only read by a handful of people (thank god because they were awful), so this feels like my first proper novel. This is me, hand on heart, telling the world what goes on inside my head, and terrifying though it is, it's also quite cathartic and makes me proud of what I've achieved. Most people, at some point in their lives, think about writing a novel, but not everyone does. At least, terrible or not, I did it. I'm like the four-hundredth and eight- seventh person to have climbed Everest. No-one will ever hear about it, but I know that I did it.

So, with this book finally on Amazon and ready to tie it's own laces and set-off on it's own little journey, I can start work on my next book. I'm working on it already and even though it's not even a word on a page yet, I'm even more excited about this book because I know, no-matter what, it's going to be read.

I really, really, really, really hope you enjoy my novel. I think it's funny, heartwarming and it takes you on a journey. Please buy it, read it and please let me know what you think about it, even the bad stuff.

Blog soon x

Five Steps to Happiness

Hello Blogites,

As I'm sure you're all aware, my debut novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary goes on sale this Friday on Amazon. Hooray!

So, to make your life easier, happier, and infinitely better, please follow these five simple steps.

Step 1. Go here and download the app to read my novel once purchased. Obviously if you have a Kindle, you're already ahead of the game so well done.

US Link - http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=amb_link_352814002_3?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-6&pf_rd_r=0D2YXYHB3ZSX20V3BE3G&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=1279039382&pf_rd_i=1000426311

If you're in England you can go here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_ipad_mkt_lnd?docId=1000425503


Step 2. Purchase the book. From Friday March 18th just go to Amazon and search for Jon Rance. You will find  my book. Buy it.

Step 3. Read the book. I hope this will be the best part.

Step 4. Write a review on Amazon and tell people how great this book is. If people stumble across my book by accident and see lots of lovely reviews they might just buy a copy.

Step 5. Lastly, please tell all of your friends (and enemies if you have any) about my book. Tell all of your Facebook friends with a simple message. Tell work colleagues, neighbours, the girl behind the checkout at the supermarket, the bloke at the pub you never normally talk to, the media (why not?), or just casually start shouting about it while you're out and about like a mental person. The point is that I don't have a great marketing machine, lots of money, or a celebrity friend to help me out and so I'm relying on all of you to market my book. If you like it, please tell people. If you think it's shit, you've obviously got no sense of humour so keep your opinions to yourself.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who made this happen and who continues to support my work.

Cheers

Blog soon x

About...breast pumps

Hello Blogites,

Just a quick one for the weekend. Kristin found this item the other day and I had to share it with you. It's a portable breast pump and apparently, it's designed so you can wear it anywhere e.g. at work. Have a look and see what you think.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong people, but you just couldn't do this at work, it wouldn't be allowed. It's not like, oh look, Sarah's at her computer working and I really can't tell that she's pumping milk from her breasts. OK, she's wearing a cardigan, but it hardly covers up the giant nipple sucking machine she has attached to her now does it? Maybe she's trying to pretend that it doesn't matter, and maybe to some people it doesn't, but Gordon in accounts (hasn't had sex in six long years since his wife left him), can't focus on numbers while Sarah sits there pumping breast milk into small bottles. Plus, you know it isn't quiet.

So that's it friends.The portable breast pump. Good or bad, you decide but in my world, it just isn't going to work.

Blog soon x

About...naughty words

Hello Blogites,

This is going to be a short, but slightly naughty blog. It's going to sound like a terrible lie, but honestly it's the truth. I was actually doing some research on my own name for a different blog, but when I typed Rance into Google and I was searching through the results, I came across the expression Dude Ranch. Now, being a curious sort of bloke, I had to see what it meant and so I clicked on the link and it took me to a page about slang. Before we continue to the naughty bits, and just so you don't go to bed scratching your head worried about what a Dude Ranch is, it's, 'a party or bar where the men far outnumber the women.' Anyway, just under that definition came the interesting bit. It gave me the chance to vote on how vulgar a word Dude Ranch was (not very as it goes), and then came the best bit. There was a link to the most vulgar words. Obviously I had to click on it.

Now, before I give you my list of most vulgar words, be warned some are a bit blue so if you're easily offended, revert your eyes now. The funniest thing for me was that all of these words had been voted on by members of the general public as being the most vulgar. Not only had someone sat down and entered these words into the slang dictionary, but gone to the trouble to put them into some sort of list of vulgarity. Some people have far too much free time. Anyway, here's a sample of my favourite new vulgar slang words:

Rusty trombone - the sexual practice where someone gives a male a hand-job while licking his anus. (I don't really understand the need for this. It seems a little much, but then again I'm not gay.)

Bearded Oyster - Vagina (This only works in some cases, obviously. I suppose in Brazil it would be the oyster with the twelve o'clock shadow.)

A metric ass-load - A great number (Not actually that vulgar but a nice way of saying many. The European Union could us this to liven up their tawdry rule making.)

Shit house door on a tuna boat - something that smells awful. As this is an obvious southern American term, I feel like I need to use it in a sentence so you really understand it's usage. You could say, 'your breath smells like a shit house door on a tuna boat'.

Go Hogging - to go out and purposely pull a large girl for the amusement of your friends.

Blue Waffle - an infected vagina (it doesn't mention what sort of infections this accounts for.)

Well, there you go, another educational blog about the little things that make me giggle. So, next time you're in the supermarket with a friend or loved one and you need a lot of something, you can use the term, 'metric ass-load' or perhaps when you next Go Hogging for some Bearded Oyster and get a Blue Waffle that smells like the Shit house door on a tuna boat, you'll thank me for this information.


Blog soon x

EXCITING NEWS!

Hello Blogites,


It's finally here. I have a release date for my novel, This Thirtysomething Life

FRIDAY MARCH 18TH!!!

So, make sure you have the Kindle App on your PC, iPhone, or whatever means of technology you have, and on March 18th you can go to Amazon and purchase your copy of my book.

I am very excited for everyone to read it. Here is the very last sneak peek to get you in the mood:

Tuesday, February 7th, 8:00am

At school. Emily at work. Still no reply from Jamie.

I woke up this morning and felt as sick as a dog. I threw up in the bathroom. Then Emily woke up and she threw up in the bathroom. I think I might have sympathy morning sickness. What’s happening to me? Am I turning into a woman? God, that’s the last thing I need at the moment.

1:00pm

I had a chat with Rory Wilkinson (Art) at lunchtime today.

“I think Miss Simpson hates me,” I said.

“You’re alright, she hates everyone.”

“Really?”

“Well, most people. She seems to quite like me. The other day she commented that my Year Eight, ‘found object sculptures’ was a great example of out of the box thinking. I wouldn’t be worried though.”

“Right.”

“Unless she starts making sudden appearances in your room. Then you can start panicking. Remember Doug?”

“Dirty Doug?”

“No, Dagenham Doug.”

“Oh, right, yeah. Dagenham Doug with the dogs.”

“Well, just before he was fired, she started turning up in his room, watching him and taking notes. Next minute, he was gone.”

“Right, thanks, I’ll watch out for that.”

5:00pm

Miss Simpson made a sudden appearance in my room this afternoon and took notes. I am for the high jump.

11:00pm

Emily got home from work tonight and said she was craving Indian food. We went to our local Indian, where Emily went ahead and ordered the chicken madras! For the record, she normally orders the Korma and asks for it extra mild. I spent the next hour watching her sweat and dribble her way through Wimbledon Tandori’s second hottest curry. When we got home she demanded sex.

“I want to have wild, animal sex, Harry,” she said astride me, her face alight with lust and passion.

This would normally have me as stiff as a guardsman outside Buckingham Palace in seconds, however, for some reason all I could think about was Miss Simpson. Needless to say, it wasn’t so much animal sex but minimal sex. Emily dismounted a very unhappy, sexually frustrated passenger. What is wrong with me?

If you have any questions please email me at: jonrance@yahoo.com

Blog soon x

On where I'm at

Hello Blogites,


I'm done, well, almost, but not quite yet, nearly, with my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary, which I know you're all waiting on with expectant pleasure.

It's been a lengthy process. First draft (very patchy, needed some plot changes and character changes). Second draft (better, but still too long and in need of some drastic cutting). Third draft (getting there). Fourth, fifth and sixth (almost there) and then finally, magic number seven (the final draft), which I just finished last week. I cut 5000 words from draft one to the final draft, added a character, took a couple out, took out a lot of the great asides (which I loved, but they unfortunately took away too much from the actual story) and I hope (oh, how I hope), created a really funny, readable, warm, and highly entertaining novel, which you're going to love (fingers, toes, and other unmentionables crossed). So, where am I now?

Well, I handed my work over to my trusty editor (the advantages of having a teacher as a wife with a keen eye for grammatical mistakes), who is plowing through it now with her eagle eyes, crossing things out, underlining things and generally adding a lot of red pen to my beloved book. Once she's done and I've gone over the changes, that's it. I know, seriously. It's like raising a child and finally packing them off to University with good wishes and a packed lunch. You really hope they do well, but it's out of your control. It's how I feel at the moment; like a proud parent. I grew-up with these characters, I helped shape them, I fell in love with them, I know them inside and out and now it's time to let go. It's hard.

So, here's to hoping. I hope that you're going to love it. I worry that you'll hate it, that you'll think it's juvenile, badly written, boring, not at all funny, a waste of your time, and the list goes on. I worry, but like a good parent, there's a time to let go. A time when you have to say, I did my best, I gave it my all and you know what, I did.

So, that's it. It's almost here. I'll have an actual release date very soon and then it's time for the big cigar, the bottle of champagne (probably a few beers actually) and time to sit back and let the world have my baby.


Blog soon x