A bit about why I wrote This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary

Hello Blogites,

There are lots of books out there about love, life and growing up. I know that what I’m writing isn’t a new story, and it isn’t likely to win any major awards or go down as a great British novel (here’s to hoping that it does though, eh). It’s a light-hearted comedy. It’s a Romantic comedy. If it was an actor it would be Hugh Grant. If it was an ice-cream it would be vanilla. If it was a band it would be Travis. However, therein lies the reason why I wrote it in the first place. I love Travis. Vanilla is my favourite flavour of ice-cream and I happen to think that Hugh Grant is actually quite good. He’s no Al Pacino or Leonardo Di Caprio, but he isn’t trying to be. He knows what he’s good at and does it probably better than anyone else. Travis make middle of the road pop songs, but probably as good as anyone else out there and yes, vanilla ice-cream has a tough time competing against the myriad of new flavours, but still it’s vanilla, it’s delicious and fills a niche than no other flavour can fill.

What the fuck am I going on about? Good question. The point I’m trying to make is that I wanted to write a comedy about the mundane, the ordinary, the seemingly trivial, but make it real and laugh-out-loud funny. I’ve read just about every book in the same genre, written by men, and yes some are great (Hornby, Parsons, Gayle to name a few), and some are not so good (no names). During my research I came to the conclusion that men are perceived to be either A. Arrogant womanising bastards or B. Soppy, lonely idiots in need of a good kick up the arse. Of course, this doesn’t cover the full spectrum of manliness, but it seems to when it comes to literature. I hope my protagonist Harry Spencer is something a little bit different. He’s everyman and I think also quite uniquely him, although I’ll let you judge that for yourself.

Blog soon x

About...my need for plans

Hello Blogites,

I hope you're all enjoying my novel. If you haven't purchased it yet, you can go to Amazon, search for me (Jon Rance) and buy my book. For the price of a cup of coffee, a pint of beer, or box of fancy cereal, you could get your hands on a novel written by me!

Anyway, enough shameless plugging of my novel, this blog is about my obsession...making plans and to be more specific, five-year-plans.

I don't know when it started exactly, but my first memory of making a To-Do list was around my mid-teens. I'm not sure how it evolved, whether it was a daily To-Do list that just got out of hand, but it evolved to become my first five-year-plan. The first of many.

So, what exactly is a five-year-plan and why am I obsessed by them. Well, a five-year-plan is exactly what it says on the tin. It's a plan that needs to be completed in five years. The important thing about a five-year-plan, as opposed to say a ten-year-plan, a two week plan or indeed a single day plan, is that five years is the perfect amount of time to do something amazing, life-changing, but it's also short enough so you can keep the plan in mind and make sure it gets done.A ten year plan for example is too long, while a year just isn't long enough. Five years is the Goldilocks of plans.

So, what was my first five-year-plan? Bearing in mind that I was around fifteen when I first conceived this, I think it's pretty solid.

1. Get good GCSE results and go to sixth-form college.
2. Get good A-Level results and go to University.
3. Get a degree.
4. Live in London.
5. Travel the world for a year.

OK, admittedly this is all basic stuff, but still, I was a sulky teenager with a plan and you know what, I achieved everything on that list.

I remember one specific moment when I realised it. I was on a tiny boat heading out towards a small island in Fiji. It was glorious, one of those moments you remember forever. It was hot, I was in shorts, a t-shirt, on my own on a small boat in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by paradise and heading towards two weeks on a desert island. The mainland was disappearing off into the distance, soon to become a speck and there on that boat, it suddenly came to me. I had achieved my five-year-plan. OK, technically it had taken a smidgen longer than five years to complete, but still, I had done it and without a list, I don't think I would have felt quite the same sense of achievement.

Since my first and inaugural five-year-plan, I've had a few more and most goals have been accomplished, while one was quite literally shelved when I met Kristin in Australia and suddenly my five-year-plan completely changed. At the moment, I'm at the beginning of a new five-year-plan. I would tell you my goals, but it's against five-year-plan rules. The first rule of five-year-plans? Don't talk about the five-year-plan!

The important thing though (for me at least) is that I have a plan. I can't imagine going through life without a plan. I need goals, something to achieve, otherwise I'm just aimlessly bumbling along, hoping that something good happens to me. Maybe I'm a bit crazy, but it works. It makes me believe that I'm in control of my own destiny. Call it free-will (even though free-will as a concept doesn't actually exist), but it lets me at least imagine a future, think about what kind of person I am and want to become. It may just be a To-Do list, written down on a piece of paper, but to me it's more than that and I think that as long as I live, I'll always have a five-year-plan.


Blog soon

It's finally here!

Hello Blogites,

Pushed forward by a few days after the good people at Amazon were so swift in their work (cheers), my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary is finally on sale! It's terribly exciting, but also very tense and nervous because what if no-one likes it, thinks it's complete rubbish, thinks I'm weird, thinks the story is dull, not funny, and so many other things that keep me awake during the early hours of the morning. I am a worrier by nature and this has my nerves all over it.

However, I'm also terribly excited for everyone to read it. Even though I've written two other novels, they were only read by a handful of people (thank god because they were awful), so this feels like my first proper novel. This is me, hand on heart, telling the world what goes on inside my head, and terrifying though it is, it's also quite cathartic and makes me proud of what I've achieved. Most people, at some point in their lives, think about writing a novel, but not everyone does. At least, terrible or not, I did it. I'm like the four-hundredth and eight- seventh person to have climbed Everest. No-one will ever hear about it, but I know that I did it.

So, with this book finally on Amazon and ready to tie it's own laces and set-off on it's own little journey, I can start work on my next book. I'm working on it already and even though it's not even a word on a page yet, I'm even more excited about this book because I know, no-matter what, it's going to be read.

I really, really, really, really hope you enjoy my novel. I think it's funny, heartwarming and it takes you on a journey. Please buy it, read it and please let me know what you think about it, even the bad stuff.

Blog soon x

Five Steps to Happiness

Hello Blogites,

As I'm sure you're all aware, my debut novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary goes on sale this Friday on Amazon. Hooray!

So, to make your life easier, happier, and infinitely better, please follow these five simple steps.

Step 1. Go here and download the app to read my novel once purchased. Obviously if you have a Kindle, you're already ahead of the game so well done.

US Link - http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=amb_link_352814002_3?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-6&pf_rd_r=0D2YXYHB3ZSX20V3BE3G&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=1279039382&pf_rd_i=1000426311

If you're in England you can go here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_ipad_mkt_lnd?docId=1000425503


Step 2. Purchase the book. From Friday March 18th just go to Amazon and search for Jon Rance. You will find  my book. Buy it.

Step 3. Read the book. I hope this will be the best part.

Step 4. Write a review on Amazon and tell people how great this book is. If people stumble across my book by accident and see lots of lovely reviews they might just buy a copy.

Step 5. Lastly, please tell all of your friends (and enemies if you have any) about my book. Tell all of your Facebook friends with a simple message. Tell work colleagues, neighbours, the girl behind the checkout at the supermarket, the bloke at the pub you never normally talk to, the media (why not?), or just casually start shouting about it while you're out and about like a mental person. The point is that I don't have a great marketing machine, lots of money, or a celebrity friend to help me out and so I'm relying on all of you to market my book. If you like it, please tell people. If you think it's shit, you've obviously got no sense of humour so keep your opinions to yourself.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who made this happen and who continues to support my work.

Cheers

Blog soon x

About...breast pumps

Hello Blogites,

Just a quick one for the weekend. Kristin found this item the other day and I had to share it with you. It's a portable breast pump and apparently, it's designed so you can wear it anywhere e.g. at work. Have a look and see what you think.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong people, but you just couldn't do this at work, it wouldn't be allowed. It's not like, oh look, Sarah's at her computer working and I really can't tell that she's pumping milk from her breasts. OK, she's wearing a cardigan, but it hardly covers up the giant nipple sucking machine she has attached to her now does it? Maybe she's trying to pretend that it doesn't matter, and maybe to some people it doesn't, but Gordon in accounts (hasn't had sex in six long years since his wife left him), can't focus on numbers while Sarah sits there pumping breast milk into small bottles. Plus, you know it isn't quiet.

So that's it friends.The portable breast pump. Good or bad, you decide but in my world, it just isn't going to work.

Blog soon x

About...naughty words

Hello Blogites,

This is going to be a short, but slightly naughty blog. It's going to sound like a terrible lie, but honestly it's the truth. I was actually doing some research on my own name for a different blog, but when I typed Rance into Google and I was searching through the results, I came across the expression Dude Ranch. Now, being a curious sort of bloke, I had to see what it meant and so I clicked on the link and it took me to a page about slang. Before we continue to the naughty bits, and just so you don't go to bed scratching your head worried about what a Dude Ranch is, it's, 'a party or bar where the men far outnumber the women.' Anyway, just under that definition came the interesting bit. It gave me the chance to vote on how vulgar a word Dude Ranch was (not very as it goes), and then came the best bit. There was a link to the most vulgar words. Obviously I had to click on it.

Now, before I give you my list of most vulgar words, be warned some are a bit blue so if you're easily offended, revert your eyes now. The funniest thing for me was that all of these words had been voted on by members of the general public as being the most vulgar. Not only had someone sat down and entered these words into the slang dictionary, but gone to the trouble to put them into some sort of list of vulgarity. Some people have far too much free time. Anyway, here's a sample of my favourite new vulgar slang words:

Rusty trombone - the sexual practice where someone gives a male a hand-job while licking his anus. (I don't really understand the need for this. It seems a little much, but then again I'm not gay.)

Bearded Oyster - Vagina (This only works in some cases, obviously. I suppose in Brazil it would be the oyster with the twelve o'clock shadow.)

A metric ass-load - A great number (Not actually that vulgar but a nice way of saying many. The European Union could us this to liven up their tawdry rule making.)

Shit house door on a tuna boat - something that smells awful. As this is an obvious southern American term, I feel like I need to use it in a sentence so you really understand it's usage. You could say, 'your breath smells like a shit house door on a tuna boat'.

Go Hogging - to go out and purposely pull a large girl for the amusement of your friends.

Blue Waffle - an infected vagina (it doesn't mention what sort of infections this accounts for.)

Well, there you go, another educational blog about the little things that make me giggle. So, next time you're in the supermarket with a friend or loved one and you need a lot of something, you can use the term, 'metric ass-load' or perhaps when you next Go Hogging for some Bearded Oyster and get a Blue Waffle that smells like the Shit house door on a tuna boat, you'll thank me for this information.


Blog soon x

EXCITING NEWS!

Hello Blogites,


It's finally here. I have a release date for my novel, This Thirtysomething Life

FRIDAY MARCH 18TH!!!

So, make sure you have the Kindle App on your PC, iPhone, or whatever means of technology you have, and on March 18th you can go to Amazon and purchase your copy of my book.

I am very excited for everyone to read it. Here is the very last sneak peek to get you in the mood:

Tuesday, February 7th, 8:00am

At school. Emily at work. Still no reply from Jamie.

I woke up this morning and felt as sick as a dog. I threw up in the bathroom. Then Emily woke up and she threw up in the bathroom. I think I might have sympathy morning sickness. What’s happening to me? Am I turning into a woman? God, that’s the last thing I need at the moment.

1:00pm

I had a chat with Rory Wilkinson (Art) at lunchtime today.

“I think Miss Simpson hates me,” I said.

“You’re alright, she hates everyone.”

“Really?”

“Well, most people. She seems to quite like me. The other day she commented that my Year Eight, ‘found object sculptures’ was a great example of out of the box thinking. I wouldn’t be worried though.”

“Right.”

“Unless she starts making sudden appearances in your room. Then you can start panicking. Remember Doug?”

“Dirty Doug?”

“No, Dagenham Doug.”

“Oh, right, yeah. Dagenham Doug with the dogs.”

“Well, just before he was fired, she started turning up in his room, watching him and taking notes. Next minute, he was gone.”

“Right, thanks, I’ll watch out for that.”

5:00pm

Miss Simpson made a sudden appearance in my room this afternoon and took notes. I am for the high jump.

11:00pm

Emily got home from work tonight and said she was craving Indian food. We went to our local Indian, where Emily went ahead and ordered the chicken madras! For the record, she normally orders the Korma and asks for it extra mild. I spent the next hour watching her sweat and dribble her way through Wimbledon Tandori’s second hottest curry. When we got home she demanded sex.

“I want to have wild, animal sex, Harry,” she said astride me, her face alight with lust and passion.

This would normally have me as stiff as a guardsman outside Buckingham Palace in seconds, however, for some reason all I could think about was Miss Simpson. Needless to say, it wasn’t so much animal sex but minimal sex. Emily dismounted a very unhappy, sexually frustrated passenger. What is wrong with me?

If you have any questions please email me at: jonrance@yahoo.com

Blog soon x

On where I'm at

Hello Blogites,


I'm done, well, almost, but not quite yet, nearly, with my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary, which I know you're all waiting on with expectant pleasure.

It's been a lengthy process. First draft (very patchy, needed some plot changes and character changes). Second draft (better, but still too long and in need of some drastic cutting). Third draft (getting there). Fourth, fifth and sixth (almost there) and then finally, magic number seven (the final draft), which I just finished last week. I cut 5000 words from draft one to the final draft, added a character, took a couple out, took out a lot of the great asides (which I loved, but they unfortunately took away too much from the actual story) and I hope (oh, how I hope), created a really funny, readable, warm, and highly entertaining novel, which you're going to love (fingers, toes, and other unmentionables crossed). So, where am I now?

Well, I handed my work over to my trusty editor (the advantages of having a teacher as a wife with a keen eye for grammatical mistakes), who is plowing through it now with her eagle eyes, crossing things out, underlining things and generally adding a lot of red pen to my beloved book. Once she's done and I've gone over the changes, that's it. I know, seriously. It's like raising a child and finally packing them off to University with good wishes and a packed lunch. You really hope they do well, but it's out of your control. It's how I feel at the moment; like a proud parent. I grew-up with these characters, I helped shape them, I fell in love with them, I know them inside and out and now it's time to let go. It's hard.

So, here's to hoping. I hope that you're going to love it. I worry that you'll hate it, that you'll think it's juvenile, badly written, boring, not at all funny, a waste of your time, and the list goes on. I worry, but like a good parent, there's a time to let go. A time when you have to say, I did my best, I gave it my all and you know what, I did.

So, that's it. It's almost here. I'll have an actual release date very soon and then it's time for the big cigar, the bottle of champagne (probably a few beers actually) and time to sit back and let the world have my baby.


Blog soon x

Hello Blogites,

When music was great and videos were awful.

Blog soon x

About themes

Hello Blogites,

I wanted to write a blog about the themes of my book. Well, actually, one of the themes of the book. The main theme as it goes. Without giving too much away (and if you've read the synopsis, this won't come as a massive surprise) the main theme of, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary, is growing up.

When I imagined this book in my head, the first thing that came mind was the phrase, 'the good old days'. I think at some point in our lives, most of wish that we were eighteen again, or twenty-one (or insert a great period of your life, it could be when you were twelve). It isn't that we hate our current existence, but it's usually because we look back on our salad years with a clouded nostalgia. In our minds at least, this was a carefree time, when all we had to worry about was what pub/club we were going to at the weekend, how we were going to kiss that girl/guy we really liked and making it home from college/university in time to watch Neighbours. It was a simple time. We didn't have to worry about mortgage payments, relationships, having kids, not having kids and all the other trappings of adult life. In short, it was brilliant.

So, when we're in our thirties, about to become parents, homeowners, married etc...of course we look back upon our wonder years and long to have that simple life again. However, and here's the catch, as much as we want to go back we can't because it doesn't exist anymore. Every now and then, we all try to recreate  moments from our past, whether it's going on holiday to the same place, nights out with the same gang, but it's never quite the same. Places change, people change and that old magic is lost in the corridors of time. It's sad, but true.

The only solution is to move on, embrace the now and plan for the future because if we're stuck living in the past, eventually we'll lose everything we have in the present. Again, without giving too much away, this is the dilemma faced by Harry in the book and I think you'll enjoy seeing how he deals with it. I think it's a fairly common theme and especially for men. Growing up is hard, accepting it is even harder.


Blog soon x

This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary excerpt and I.T. support

Hello Blogites,

I'm still working hard editing my book, but I'm still very hopeful that it will be out in March. Our second child (a wee boy) is due at the end of March and so it needs to be done by then because after that I'm going to have very little time to write.

So, with that in mind, I thought that I should give you all the information you need to get your grubby little paws on a copy of my novel. It's very simple and to make it even easier for my beloved Blogites, here is a link where you download the Kindle app to your PC, Mac, Blackberries, iPhones and more. Once you have this app you can simply go on Amazon, purchase my book for the very reasonable price of $5 and presto, you can read my debut novel. If you're in England this works fine too and the price will be adjusted, so it will be about 3 of your English pounds. So, go here and download the app, so you're ready as soon as my book is available.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=amb_link_352814002_3?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-6&pf_rd_r=0D2YXYHB3ZSX20V3BE3G&pf_rd_t=1401&pf_rd_p=1279039382&pf_rd_i=1000426311


Another exciting edition to the world of This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary was born this week. It now has it's own official Facebook page, so please check it out and LIKE it. The more people I can get there and to LIKE it the better. Here's the link to that page if you haven't checked it out already.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/This-Thirtysomething-Life-A-Diary/101681903245838?ref=ts


And to get you in the mood, here is another short excerpt from my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary. Enjoy with a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Tuesday January 17th, 7:00pm

            At home. Eating bangers ‘n’ mash. Emily nibbling on a sausage (unfortunately, not a euphemism).

            Begin rant.

            We had to use the ladies' toilet at school today because of a blockage in the gents' (no doubt Bill Jenkins (Maths) was to blame. That man has the bottom of the devil). Still, it was quite an eye-opening experience. The ladies' toilet is lovely. They have pretty pink little towels, there are pictures of quaint English countryside scenes on the wall, they have hand lotion, hand moisturiser, the cubicle actually has toilet roll (and how soft it was) and they have a little box of potpourri next to the basin. I had no idea that the female staff had it so good in the lavatory department.

Going into the gents' is like visiting someone in jail. Hard, sandpaper towels, grey paint peeling off the walls, there’s never any soap, there’s always one half-square of toilet roll left (who uses half a square of toilet roll?), and God, the smell. The thought of having to pee or worse (number twos) starts a spiral of thought, which can take up an entire morning of teaching. Do I really have to go? Can I wait? Just bloody well clench-up and keep it in.

We’re intelligent human beings. We’re responsible for educating the next generation of industry leaders, artists and sports personalities, yet we have to defecate like monkeys in the rainforest, while the ladies get their girlie bits pampered like bloody royalty. It just isn’t right. Just because I’m a man, it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy a bit of potpourri and hand moisturiser from time to time.           

Rant over.

Blog soon x

Why I hate Valentine's Day

Hello Blogites,

OK, before all of you pro-valentiner's start boycotting my blog and calling me a bitter, unromantic old bastard, please listen. I'm not against romance in the slightest. In fact, I love some old school romance and nothing brings a tear to my eye faster than a bit of mush from time to time, but here's the thing. Valentine's Day isn't in the remotest sense, in any words pertaining to be to romantic, at all romantic. Valentine's Day is about as romantic as going to the toilet. It's about as romantic as watching a round of golf. It lacks every single element that makes something romantic. Let me explain.

In many ways romance is something indefinable. For each of us it's something different. For some people (the shallow vacuous ones) romance involves large diamonds and expensive gifts, for others it's something simple; a candlelit dinner under the moon, a picnic, a love note tucked into their lunch or a foot massage after a hard days work. What each of us defines as romantic is often significant to us. However, and I think here is the crucial element of romance, it shouldn't be contrived. Hence, why Valentine's Day is the most unromantic day of the year because it's the day we're told to be romantic. The day any old schmuck with twenty bucks in his back pocket can send his girlfriend/wife/lover a bunch of flowers or take them out to dinner and be oh so romantic. It's like giving a dog a treat because he sat down when you told him to sit down.

The worst part of Valentine's Day is the flowers sent to work. I don't apologise if this offends you because it's meant to be offensive, but only if your the sort of person who actually likes getting flowers at work. At my last place of employment all day flowers would come to the ladies amid ooohs and ahhhs and your so lucky, he must be the most amazing boyfriend/husband/lover, blah blah blah and all I could think was, those flowers aren't even for you. The flowers are to show everyone else in the office that you're married to such an amazing guy who just happened to have a spare twenty bucks in his back pocket. It's the worst sort of present. It's contrived, meaningless and actually quite selfish. My wife told me the other day that apparently in America, 15% of women actually send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day! Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard.

So, I'm sorry if you think I'm a miserable old git, but honestly I'm not. I love being romantic, getting romantic and all things about romance generally, but when you're being romantic because it's a "special" romantic day, maybe have a think about why it takes someone to tell you to be romantic to be romantic. We shouldn't need Valentine's Day to tell someone we love them, to buy them flowers or do something nice. And if you're wondering what Kristin and I will be doing on Valentine's Day, well the same thing we do every other day of the year, we'll be in love, which may involve a moment of spontaneous romance or it may not. Just don't tell us when we should be romantic because it just defies the whole point, it's being in love by numbers and we don't need numbers, just each other. See isn't that quite a sentimental, romantic last sentence and I didn't write it because I had to, because I had some spare cash or expect anything in return, but just because that's what romance is.


Blog soon x

About future stuff

Hello Blogites,


During my recent sojourn across the pond to England, I had a great deal of time to think about not only my current book, but also my next one. Us writers are never happy to be just thinking about our current projects, especially when they're almost finished.

I've been mulling over my next novel for a while. I've had all sorts of ideas and thoughts about where to go next. However, while in England, I suddenly got a huge dose of inspiration. I was in London, skulking around shops and museums, when I heard The Beatles song, All you need is love. I started mulling the words over in my head, all you need is love, all you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need, and suddenly it came to me. Obviously, it's just a shell of an idea, but this is how it starts. This is how This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary, began.

I think This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary is in many ways my ideal first book. It's a comedy, it's about all of the things I love reading about and I think, hopefully, both men and women will be able to relate to it and appreciate it's humour. However, I want my next book to be something different. Something deeper, which is why I was so excited about this idea.

My next book is going to be called, Love Love Love. It's going to be about the three parts of love, falling in love, being in love and losing love, hence the title. It's still going to be a romantic comedy, but with much more drama than Thirtysomething. More a romantic dromedy if you like. Obviously, it's only a hollow shell still waiting to be filled in with the guts, but I'm already excited about it. I'm working through some ideas at the moment, characters, a very loose plot line, and I won't start writing it until the middle of the year at the earliest, but I love this process. In many ways, the beginning of a novel is the most satisfying part for me. That initial spark, meeting the new characters, finding out about their little flaws and quirks, it really is like the beginning of a new relationship.

Am I sharing too much? I just thought it might be nice to give you an insight into what I'm working on and how my process works. I think it's exciting and fun, but like people who find train spotting quite the hoot, I'm probably boring you to death, so I won't say anymore.

I hope that in a year from now, I'll be writing a blog about my wonderful new book, Love Love Love, it will be fully conceived and hopefully partially written. At least then you'll know how it all started. You can say you were there when it all began. You too can be one of the cool people!

Blog soon x

My life in songs

Hello Blogites,

The other day I started thinking about how music and writing are so intrinsically interlinked. The thing about music is that it conjures up memories. It reminds us of moments in our lives. Important moments, sad moments and happy moments. When I look back on my life, I can pretty much link every memory to a song.

So, in the spirit of blogging, I decided to give you a glimpse into my mind through the medium of song. These aren't my favourite songs of all-time, but songs that make-up who I am.

PS: Don't judge me.




Green Sleeves - Apparently as a young boy this was my favourite song and it used to make me cry. I must admit that hearing it again now did almost bring a tear to my eye. It's a beautiful song.

The La's, There she goes. I used to listen to this on the school bus. It was probably the first song I really loved and shaped my musical tastes thereafter. Ah, my old Walkman.

Status Quo - Rocking All Over the World - My mum's favourite band. I'm sitting at home, while my parents drink and dance in the lounge. I feel about seven or eight years old.

Oasis - Live Forever - My first band affair. I'm at art college. It's the beginning of Britpop, New Labour is just around the corner and anything seems possible.

Supergrass - Alright - Newquay, Cornwall. I'm about eighteen and on a lads holiday with my best mates.

Simply Red - Holding back the Years - this just takes me back to the Eighties.It was also in that episode of Only Fools and Horses where Rodney gets married and Del is alone at the end. I'm not even a big fan of Simply Red, but this is a classic and played at every wedding in England since it came out.

R.E.M - Losing my Religion. I think everyone has their R.E.M phase. I had mine from the age of sixteen through until I was about twenty. This is still one of my favourite songs of all time. It reminds me of my first first girlfriend and sitting in my bedroom being a sulky teenager.

Like the R.E.M phase, I also went through the Grunge phase. It was the early nineties, just before Britpop surfaced and everything was about Grunge. Nirvana were the biggest band at the time, but I always preferred Pearl Jam. It was a simple time of checked shirts, crowd surfing and long hair.

Robbie Williams - Angels. I'm at university, probably at the student union bar, I'm drunk, it's the end of the night and I'm in a group hug with a bunch of complete strangers.

The Seahorses - Blinded by the sun - This takes me back to my first summer in London. I listened to this album all summer long. It reminds me of summer, red wine and being at that age when life seems like it will go on forever.

The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army - riding on the Greyhound bus in America just outside Charleston, North Carolina - a very particular memory that one.

The Proclaimers - I'm gonna be (500 miles) The east coast of Australia - for some reason this is the unofficial backpackers anthem and is played at every backpacker bar in Australia at least five times an hour. I must have heard this drunk at least five hundred times in the space of  few months.

James - Sit Down - I'm sat down at a dingy club at a sixth-form college party just like everyone else. A classic then and still now. Plus, you have to love this video.

Jason Mraz - Curbside prophet - I'm with Kristin, we're in Byron Bay, Australia enjoying our little beach side accommodation, chilling and falling madly in love. A simply wonderful time and this album that Kristin brought from America seemed to always be on.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I know there's more, but that will have to be in a different blog. I hope this gave you an insight into my mind and maybe even made you think about the songs that helped shape your life.


Blog soon x

A reminder about my novel

Being a Thirtysomething man isn’t easy (especially when you still yearn to be a Twentysomething man). Meet Harry Spencer. History teacher, lover of snack food and terrified of growing up. However, when his wife Emily drops the P-Bomb, Harry is suddenly thrust into the role of expectant father. Cue baby doctor visits, breast-pump demonstrations, morning sickness, food cravings, self-help books, family therapy sessions, cold sweats and the birthing class from hell.

However, when he’s tempted by the greener grass of an ex-girlfriend past, he must make the most important decision of his life. Will Harry have what it takes to become a man or will he succumb to the lure of adolescent fantasy? And when Emily finds out, will he be able to save his marriage or will his efforts to finally grow-up all be in vain?

Set in London, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary is a love story about what happens after we've fallen in love, when we’ve swapped frolicking in the bed for cigarettes in the shed and Match of the Day for Mothercare. Brutally honest, riotously funny and often heartwarming, this is a diary about one man’s bumbling journey on the road to adulthood.

About what I've been doing of late

Hello Blogites,

My most humble apologies for the distinct lack of entries of late. I've been incredible busy with one thing and another, but instead of giving you some wishy-washy excuses, I'm just going to tell you what I've been doing.

I just returned from a fleeting trip back home to England. The jet lag has finally worn off, so as I promised myself, I am writing this entry. England was great. I caught up with friends, family and digested large quantities of carbohydrates, alcohol and froze my pampered Californian bum off. It was a wonderful trip because even though I didn't actually do any writing, it gave me some quality thinking time and it helped me work through some issues with the book. I also had a cracking idea for my next book, so it was 7 days well spent I think.

Now I'm back home, I'm working hard on the final edit for This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary. It's getting close which is both scary and exciting. Now it's almost ready to be let loose upon the world, I'm suddenly terrified that everyone is going to think, what a load of old shit. What if I've been deluding myself all these years that I have some talent, when in fact I'm like the literary equivalent of Westlife or worse, Brother Beyond (I'm showing my age there). I suppose it's inevitable. I just hope you all like it.

After this last edit, I will turn my book over to my long-term editor Kristin (the advantages of having a teacher as a wife). She will put her red pen to work, before it comes back to me for the final read through and them I'm done. I'm hoping it will be ready in March, so get ready for some serious giggles!

With regard the blog, I'm hoping to write the last two episodes of David Burrows Office Man soon, as well as some further bits and pieces about my novel.

I hope this entry finds you all happy and healthy. I hope it won't be so long again.

Here's some music to keep you going.

Blog soon x

This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary - News!

Hello my Darlings,

So, finally some exciting news for all of my loyal followers. This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary, is going to be published on the Kindle! This means that any of you with a Kindle (like myself), will be able to pop along to the Kindle Store and just buy it! That's right. You can search for it and there it will be. Brilliant!

For those of you Kindle-less people, you can easily download the Kindle App to your phone, Mac or PC and buy my book on Amazon! I will have complete instructions for you nearer the time. This is terribly exciting for me. My book is going to be on Amazon!

I don't have a release date yet, but I'm hoping towards the end of February, so keep your beady eyes peeled!

Also, second piece of exciting news, is that I have a brand new cover. My darling wife Kristin designed it for me and I think she's done an amazing job. I hope you like it. Here it is for the first time. The cover for my first book.

That's it for now. Sorry I've been so quiet on the blog-front recently, but I've been working super hard on editing Thirtysomething. I'm also off to England for a week on Saturday, so busy times indeed. I hope to have some new blogs up soon to keep the saliva dribbling down your chins.


Blog soon x

A bright, sparkly (actually quite wet) New Year!

Hello my Blogites,

Sorry I have been a bit quiet of late, but with Christmas and New Year (plus working hard on my novel), it's been quite a busy festive period. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a drunken, debauched New Year. Mine was actually very quiet in terms of alcohol. Kristin and I didn't even make it to midnight on New Year (how sad us parents are). Anyway, in lieu of an actual blog, as I don't have the time at the moment, here is another sneak peek at my novel, This Thirtysomething Life: A Diary. It's going well and I'm hoping to have some exciting news soon!

Sunday February 5th, 10:00am

In kitchen. Peeling spuds. Emily lying down. Bright, blue skies (no chance of rain). Squirrel outside with another squirrel. Still no response from Jamie.

Seriously, why are weather people never right? It’s probably the only profession in the world where you can be wrong most of time and still keep your job.

Squirrel outside with another squirrel and they seem to be quite amorous. Good for them. Steve, Fiona and their brigade of ankle biters will be here at noon. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve spent most of the morning child proofing the house. I had to move all of the alcohol into the shed.

6:00pm

In shed. Having a cigarette. Drinking a cocktail (Sex on the Beach!). I might as well enjoy the fact that the alcohol’s now in the shed. Plus, I finally get to use the cocktail recipe book I got two Christmases’ ago. Steve, Fiona and ankle biters just left. My nerves are frayed.

I plied myself with red wine and then we told Steve and Fiona our good news. They went berserk. At one point Steve screamed, while Fiona just kept yelling. “OMG! OMG! OMG!”

They already have us down at a birthing class, family therapy session, pre-birth playgroup and something (if I heard them correctly), which sounded like a week away together to Cornwall, but that couldn’t be right. Emily did most of the talking, while I just smiled a lot and said things like. “It’s unbelievable. Really exciting. Doesn’t seem quite real yet.”

Emily was in her element and spent ages talking to Fiona about baby names, types of nappy and a whole hour about the importance of breast feeding. Steve even went out to their car to get their spare breast pump and then gave us a demonstration (on himself!). Emily got out the calendar, so we could see how many days our new babies are going to be apart. Apparently, they were going to be very close, which was fantastic news.

Luckily, I spent most of the time preparing lunch and so I managed to avoid the majority of the baby talk. I did, unfortunately, get stuck with Steve, while I was trying to sneak in a cigarette outside.

“It’s great news, old boy.”

“Yes, we’re very excited.”

“You know there’s this book...”

“The Bloke’s Survival Kit for Being a Dad?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“I have a copy.”

“Oh, it’s a must read, really quite, you know, true. I think that us blokes need that little bit of extra help, don’t you?”

“I suppose.”

“And if you have any questions, anything, just let me know. Even the delicate stuff.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t want to ask what kind of ‘delicate stuff’ he was talking about.

“And we have that week in Cornwall, which will be great.”

“Right, yes, wait, what?”

“You know, we’re going to Newquay for the week in May? We’re thrilled you’re coming. The kids can’t stop talking about it.”

“Yes, of course, can’t wait.”

Emily had pulled a fast one and agreed to go on holiday for an entire week with Steve, Fiona and their clan. I must stop this disgrace. How could she do this to me?

The next few hours passed extraordinarily slowly. I played with the kids for a while, mostly to get away from Emily, who still didn’t know that I knew about Cornwall. Eventually, they all left and I came outside for a cigarette and a cocktail (Irish car bomb!) to compose myself, before I confronted Emily about our sham of a holiday to the West Country.

 8:00pm

Apparently, we had a conversation about Cornwall last week and I agreed to it! I find this very hard to believe. I have no memory of the conversation in question. Was Emily using my ‘man-tention span’ against me?

“I don’t remember any conversation about Cornwall. I think I’d remember.”

“Last Wednesday, we were having dinner.”

“What did we have?”

“I don’t know. Pork chops I think.”

“Nothing’s coming back to me, Em.”

“Surprise, surprise.”

“OK, yes, I grant you, my memory’s a bit...”

“Shit?”

“Yes, but I think I’d remember a whole conversation where I agreed to go to Cornwall for the week with Steve, Fiona and their gaggle of J’s.”

“You’d think so.”

After our conversation, I started to wonder if maybe she’s right. Had we had a conversation about Cornwall? Was it possible that my ‘man-tention span’ was getting worse and I was losing whole chunks of my life? What else had I agreed too? Time to pop out to the shed for another cocktail.

Blog soon x