This is the first part of a five part mini-series. It’s a Blog-Com, which is similar to a sit-com or a rom-com, but it’s on my blog and therefore a Blog-Com. I will be writing one episode each week. This is the first. Enjoy.
Episode One
Monday
She's at the bloody coffee machine with him again. Tom smooth as a tub of fromage frais Delaney. I hate him. I wish he were a fly so I could squash him beneath my finger. He thinks he's so cool with his sideburns, like it's difficult to grow sideburns. I could grow sideburns if I wanted to. I just choose not to. So what, he's in a band. Has she seen them? They're rubbish. That's a problem with girls. They're impressed with things like sideburns and bands. You never hear a girls saying things like, see that bloke over there, yes the slightly short one with the side-parting, he got three A-Levels at grade B or above. If you did, I'd been inundated with girls. As it is, I'm forced to sit at my desk doing IPP reports, while the gorgeous and infinitely shaggable new girl, Susan (probably goes by Sue), is being chatted-up by Tom fucking arsehole Delaney, office stud, office wanker and my office nemesis.
"Done the IPP reports yet?" says Doug Williams. He's my manager and a big old nob. I don't want to end up like him. It's my biggest fear. That and never having sex again. I don't know why I'm so worried about it though. It's going to happen. It's statistically very likely.
"Not yet, Doug. Still working on it."
"Well, get a move on, Dave, it's due at four. That's four and it's almost three."
"Right, Doug, I can tell the time." You big, balding parasite fuckwit. Go home to your ugly wife and stupid kids and leave me alone. Doug pulls his trousers up as a show of strength and then walks away.
I can't believe she's still talking to him. What could they possibly have to talk about for this long? He's an idiot. He has the IQ of a five year old. I bet he didn't even take his A levels. She looks smart enough. I haven't had the chance to talk to her yet, but when I do I'll say something really witty and smooth and then she'll know that I'm the man for her. We'll be shagging by Wednesday at this rate. God, she's laughing and he just put his grubby little hand on her lovely little shoulder. The man's got an earring for heaven's sake. Is she blind? Who wears an earring nowadays?
Shit! Fuck! She's walking this way. What am I going to say. Say something brilliant David. Think Oscar Wilde. Think Stephen Fry. She's just spent ten minutes talking to Tom fuckarsewit Delaney, she's probably gagging for some intellectual stimulation. Here goes. Lordy, lordy.
"Great blouse."
"What?"
"That blouse, great," I say giving her two thumbs up.
"Umm....thanks."
"The way the light shines on it creating a shimmering lake effect is quite superb."
"Right."
"I'm David," I say extending my hand for a shake. "But you can call me Dave."
"Sue."
"I know, great name." We shake hands and I can definitely feel something sexual happening.
"Thanks."
Here goes David, time to dazzle her. If Tom sideburns Delaney can make her laugh, you should be able to have her in stitches. Just stop staring at her breasts. Shit she saw me. I'm blushing. Fuck, my face is going red and I'm still staring at her breasts. She does have great breasts though. Just look at them. You can tell. Firm, but wobbly, pert but not too pert. Then again, can breasts be too pert? I don't think they are. They look about the right level of pertness.
"Well, see you around, Dave." Time to bring out the big guns.
"Before you go, an interesting fact about ducks."
"Sorry?"
"Ducks. Interesting fact. Ducks have three eyelids."
"Oh. Really."
"Yes. True. Also, when ducks quack, it doesn't create an echo."
"I didn't know that. Do you have any more duck facts?" Here we go. I think I'm in.
"Ducks never get cold feet. They don't have nerves or blood vessels in their feet, hence they never get cold."
"Fascinating stuff," Susan says before she smiles and walks away. Smile = Bring it on Dave and show we what else you've got because I like what I've seen so far.
I think that went quite well. She certainly seemed impressed with the duck facts. Look out Delaney, this one's mine. Who's laughing now? He tried to impress her with his sideburns, earrings and stupid band stories, while all she needed was a few facts about ducks. The woman's obviously an intellectual giant.
Tomorrow I'll win her over with some more facts (Geese?) and then Wednesday a drink after work at Yates's - the wine lodge - and then it's time to close the deal. Final score. Tom arsewipe Delaney 0 - David Burrows Game Set and Match. And it’s only Monday.
Check back next week for the second installment of David Burrows Office Man. A Blog-Com.
Blog soon x
